After years of insomnia, I’ve recently experienced periods of comparatively good sleep. However, sometimes my system gets upset, the battle for sleep returns, and I’m scared like a child whose nightmares return.
I look at the clock and groan when I see it’s 10 pm, and I’ve only slept for an hour. “Why am I awake already? Is it going to be one of those nights again?”
“What happened? Why did I suddenly stop sleeping again? What is wrong with my body now, and how can I fix it?” After trying to resolve this for such a long time, I’m at a loss for answers… and frustrated… and crying.
“How am I going to make it through the day? Will my body be able to heal from illness without any sleep? Why does this keep happening?” The questions continue to come, but they remain unanswered.
Then, a still, small voice whispers… Psalm 131.
The memorized words combine with my own as I slowly work to apply them to myself.
“O Lord, my heart is proudly thinking I deserve to have answers to my questions, and my eyes haughtily see the sleep I feel I deserve.”
“I’m involving myself in the great matter of how to heal my body, but the solution is too difficult for me.”
“Please help me to compose and quiet my soul so that I may rest in your arms like a child does in the lap of her loving parent.”
“Oh my soul, trust in the Lord in this sleepless moment and forever.”
As my questions stop, I notice my body relaxing and resting. Although I’m not asleep, I am peaceful because God has everything under His wise and loving control.
Commissioned by Him 
I have had these kinds of struggles most of my life. It’s complicated, because you can’t TRY to sleep. The harder you try, the less likely you will.
Sometimes I think we make the mistake of thinking we know what kind of sleep we need, and how much. As you describe at the end of the piece, you can rest without being “asleep” as you might define it. I got a sleep app on my phone, and when I started using it, I was surprised to see how well I slept when I WAS asleep. It turned out I didn’t need as much as I was trying to get, because God was blessing me with efficient sleep, so I could get up and have my devotions from 2:30-4:00 AM, and then go back to sleep for a couple more hours. (I wrote half my first book during the hours in the middle of the night, too.) As with everything else, it comes down to trusting Him.
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Ah yes – so true that the harder I try, the more unlikely it is that I will get back to sleep. I functioned for many years on little sleep simply because it would not come. However, I am now ill from it and can definitely feel the effects during the day when I don’t have “enough.” I’m looking forward to the day that God fixes everything 🥰
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You might want to check into hormones, especially melatonin. I hope you get some answers.
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Good hearing from you Kim.
It is well☺️
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Insufficient sleep is so hard. And it affects everything from physical to mental to emotional and spiritual. I’ve had several hard nights so I’m right there with you. Hope you can get some better sleep soon.
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It is hard. I’m sorry you experience it too. When I’m awake, I pray for others who I know might be as well. I did actually get more sleep last night by eating in the middle of the night – hehe. I’m thankful God prospered this effort.
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