When the Questions Stop

After years of insomnia, I’ve recently experienced periods of comparatively good sleep. However, sometimes my system gets upset, the battle for sleep returns, and I’m scared like a child whose nightmares return. 

I look at the clock and groan when I see it’s 10 pm, and I’ve only slept for an hour. “Why am I awake already? Is it going to be one of those nights again?”

“What happened? Why did I suddenly stop sleeping again? What is wrong with my body now, and how can I fix it?” After trying to resolve this for such a long time, I’m at a loss for answers… and frustrated… and crying. 

“How am I going to make it through the day? Will my body be able to heal from illness without any sleep? Why does this keep happening?” The questions continue to come, but they remain unanswered.  

Then, a still, small voice whispers… Psalm 131.

The memorized words combine with my own as I slowly work to apply them to myself. 

“O Lord, my heart is proudly thinking I deserve to have answers to my questions, and my eyes haughtily see the sleep I feel I deserve.”

“I’m involving myself in the great matter of how to heal my body, but the solution is too difficult for me.”

“Please help me to compose and quiet my soul so that I may rest in your arms like a child does in the lap of her loving parent.”

“Oh my soul, trust in the Lord in this sleepless moment and forever.”

As my questions stop, I notice my body relaxing and resting. Although I’m not asleep, I am peaceful because God has everything under His wise and loving control. 

Learning to be Content

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13

An interesting thing has happened during these years of my physical affliction; my desires have changed. At one time, I had a strong desire to go back out into the workforce once our children’s needs didn’t require me to be at home full time. I had visions of contributing to our household income so that we could live the way we thought we wanted to live. The prestige of the positions I had trained for called me to keep the pace going by striving to attain even more. Requests from customers and previous coworkers for me to return to this course stoked my pride and kept my head turned to what seemed most desirable at the time. As a result, I didn’t see the alternative, cooking and cleaning at home, as something that would be satisfying at all.

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Running the Race

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-3

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how I can possibly serve God when I am so restricted in what I can do. It seems that there are so many needs… so many people suffering… so many who need to hear God’s Word… but my hands are tied in many ways regarding how to reach out to them. I find my physical limitations difficult to understand at times; I wonder why God would allow me to be so restricted when I am willing to serve.

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