When the Questions Stop

After years of insomnia, I’ve recently experienced periods of comparatively good sleep. However, sometimes my system gets upset, the battle for sleep returns, and I’m scared like a child whose nightmares return. 

I look at the clock and groan when I see it’s 10 pm, and I’ve only slept for an hour. “Why am I awake already? Is it going to be one of those nights again?”

“What happened? Why did I suddenly stop sleeping again? What is wrong with my body now, and how can I fix it?” After trying to resolve this for such a long time, I’m at a loss for answers… and frustrated… and crying. 

“How am I going to make it through the day? Will my body be able to heal from illness without any sleep? Why does this keep happening?” The questions continue to come, but they remain unanswered.  

Then, a still, small voice whispers… Psalm 131.

The memorized words combine with my own as I slowly work to apply them to myself. 

“O Lord, my heart is proudly thinking I deserve to have answers to my questions, and my eyes haughtily see the sleep I feel I deserve.”

“I’m involving myself in the great matter of how to heal my body, but the solution is too difficult for me.”

“Please help me to compose and quiet my soul so that I may rest in your arms like a child does in the lap of her loving parent.”

“Oh my soul, trust in the Lord in this sleepless moment and forever.”

As my questions stop, I notice my body relaxing and resting. Although I’m not asleep, I am peaceful because God has everything under His wise and loving control. 

A Weaning Child

Psalm 131
A Song of Ascents, of David

Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

Several times in my struggles of the last several months, a friend has recommended that I reflect on Psalm 131 for comfort. To be honest, I found it hard to understand how a weaned child related to my situation until she and I discussed it further. She reminded me that a nursing baby is restless and searching for food, but a weaned child is easier to just hold. He trusts in the mother to provide for his needs and doesn’t need to keep fretting in an attempt to resolve his problems. As a result, he can rest peacefully.

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